In my dream last night I was in the kitchen of our old house talking to my then husband about the baby I had just had (as the dream progressed, this baby was represented by my youngest daughter). I was asking if he thought we had done the right thing by letting an attorney woman we knew raise her for the first couple of weeks. He said he definitely thought we did, as I had been too sick to care for her, and what were a couple of months to an infant?  In the dream I went to lay down and thought of the baby, how she wouldn’t even recognize the scent of her own mother as I had never been allowed to hold her before they took her from me. I found it very distressing, and started to cry.  I counted the time since I had given birth and realized that 3 months had passed, that my baby was no longer a small, newborn baby. This freaked me out; I had to get my child FAST before she lost the ability to sense me as her mother.

I went back to my husband and told him that we had to get the baby, that she needed me and I missed her. He said that it was not time yet.  I asked how much time he expected to pass before we could bring her home? He didn’t answer immediately, and I started to scream at him that I wanted my baby. He told me he thought we should wait until she was a year old, or maybe not get her at all. I lost it; started to punch and scream and cry. He told me that I couldn’t go get the baby, that the transfer had been an adoption and that I was no longer the baby’s mother. I was horrified! I accused him of never wanting to be a Dad to begin with and of stealing my baby. I swore that I would get her back no matter what and mentally started to plot a kidnaoping…..then I woke up.

When I awoke, I was extremely agitated. Reviewing the dream sequence was so weird.  It had no relevance to the person my ex-husband is (a very loving and hands on father of 4) or my relationship with my daughter. My ex always wanted children, and always spends time with our daughter. I have never let my children out of my sight, let alone thought of not keeping them (well, maybe once or twice as they hit the teens years!) Not sure why I had this dream, but it was unsettling to say the least. I’ve always been a vivid dreamer, but this was decidedly different in texture than most of them.




Started my day off by going to the Court House for another round of legal filings. Would like to bitch and moan about the injustice of it all, but Truth be told, this particular legal battle is completely my fault.  Another one of those “Never should have done that” scenarios. This, along with some other particularly bad decisions I made over the last year, is what made me decide to stop drinking.  Drinking wasn’t the issue per se, it was the God awful decisions I made while under the influence of alcohol.  Yeah…..like thinking getting married to a man I did not love was a good idea…Hmmmmm

Still annoys the Hell out of me that the Judge denied my annulment; we were only married for 3 weeks before I filed!!  Jeez.  Judge literally told me that he couldn’t grant me an annulment because I decided to “grow a conscious”. Guess the State feels that if the Defendant doesn’t care that I don’t love him and that I was just using him as a vehicle to get what I thought I wanted, then all’s good and fine. Well, I don’t agree.

But now I have to go through the whole damned process again.  File the Complaint, hire a Process Server, file the Affidavit, wait 20 business days for a Counterclaim that will never be filed, so I can file a Default, then get on Calendar for a date, then show up to the same Judge’s Chambers to be granted a Divorce in place of an Annulment (Judge can’t deny a divorce here :).  Aaaarrrrghhhh. Sooooo totally frustrating!!!  Really messed my life up with this one. Funny how things can sound so Wonderful in THEORY but be so Horrible in REALITY!!!

Now, I’m not trying to say that the individual I married is horrible; quite the contrary. He has always been kind and thoughtful towards me. In this case, I’M the horrible one. I gloss over the facts of the situation often, so as not to feel like a complete and total piece of shit, because the Truth is, I was always very honest with this man regarding my feelings, or lack of them, He knew full well when we said “I Do”, that as far as love was concerned, I Didn’t.  So, I really shouldn’t feel guilty about any of it, and for the most part, I don’t, but now with all the legal crap, I have to keep thinking about it.

If I didn’t know for a fact that he had been in love with me for a couple of years, I probably wouldn’t feel as bad. But I know that he was hoping that by being the loving, caring, always available Husband, I would come to love him. That wasn’t going to happen; with all the time we spent together prior to getting married, I never even had a slight glimmer of possibility for that. All I really wanted to achieve was moving to another state with my child.  Marriage to a stable individual who was established in another state, where the unemployment rates were lower and education was better, sounded like the perfect solution. Like I said, in theory it sounded good….

The Judge’s opinion that I had grown a conscious, isn’t accurate.  I didn’t; I merely changed my mind.  Afterall, it is a woman’s prerogative.  I thought that I was making my decision with my daughter’s best interests in mind.  The move would allow us to start over.  We would live in a big house again, with lots of property in a neighborhood brimming with children. In a state known for their highly rated public education system, and “green” initiatives. We could do a lot of the outdoorsy stuff we had always enjoyed, but had to drive too far to really participate in.  I could stay home, or work during school hours only making me available to head girl scout troops, or cheerleading squads, take her to her activities etc.  What I hadn’t anticipated was the feelings I had of raising her in a loveless household.  Those things scar children more than not having friends that live across the street or having to be driven to all your playdates. Plus, the move would not allow her to see her father, other siblings, or paternal relatives but on school breaks. When I brought all of this up to her, prior to the wedding, she was all aboard, but as the petition to move court date came closer, I could see she was putting on a brave face. She had agreed to move, not because she wanted to, but because she thought it would make ME happy. Love that girl to death!!!  But, I couldn’t go through with the move after that. I asked the Judge on that case to vacate the petition without prejudice. then filed the annulment papers.

That’s how I wound up at the Court House today.  What a tangled web we weave……



Like a lot of people, I kept journals of what was happening in my life during my teens and early twenties.  Sometimes I would write poetry in the journals, or maybe just a random thought I had.  Most often, I filled page after page with doom, despair and desperation over an ended love affair.  The turmoil and strife of my life were evident in every word, but it was cathartic to write it all down.  It was my way of working out my problems without listening to the judgement of others.  And it worked wonders!!  Alas, with age came children and marriage (in that order!) and my journalling, for the most part, stopped.  Mind you, my problems didn’t stop~just the journalling did.  Reason being?  Well, quite honestly, there were people in the house that could read now!  And Lord knows, during certain times in my life, the words that would have found their way to the page would not have been kind to the individual(s) I feared of reading them!!

Forward to 2012….I still have 1 child at home, and although she is only in elementary school, she reads on an 8th grade level!! Now, I doubt that she would trouble herself by reading my “diary”, but why risk it?  Enter Blogging………….Granted it hit the World right  about the same time my first  child did, and I could have started an online journal years ago, but the thought never occurred to me.  See, I’m one of those “non-technical” sort of people.  I prefer tangible goods I can see, hold and feel versus the virtual world we live in today.  Computers, cell phones, game consoles, and all things IRelated drive me nuts.   But, I am going to venture out, give it a whirl, see if I can achieve the same sort of cheering up and inspiration to move forward that I did when I put pen to paper.   This time, however, I’ll have the added dimension of a possible audience.  Interesting concept.  I’m going to write about my life, to feel better about certain things and to grab some perspective on others, all the while wondering on some level, if anyone can relate.  Very Odd.

Now, I’m not expecting an audience for real; my life just isn’t that interesting….but who knows?  Stranger stuff has happened!  I  know that I could make my page Private like I wanted my journals to be in the first place, but I figure if I have to resort to an electronic version, I might as well go all out and put it All Out…..The Good, The Bad and The Indifferent.

Topics to sort out sooner vs later:

To Drink or Not to Drink (just over a month into the “Not to Drink” category 🙂

What to do with my aging, alcoholic, homeless mom

Keep the long term job I have that does not allow me to pay my bills or have insurance, but gives me 100% freedom to be with my daughter

File Divorce papers for that Marriage I carelessly entered into since the annulment was denied

How to make Amends with the Boyfriend I didn’t marry

Getting to a Doctor to put my raging Anxiety in check seeing as nothing I’m trying is working

I’m sure there’s plenty more, but if journalling brings me any solutions to the above I’ll be infinitely grateful to it once again.  As the young adults of this era are prone to saying, “FML” ❤