Started my day off by going to the Court House for another round of legal filings. Would like to bitch and moan about the injustice of it all, but Truth be told, this particular legal battle is completely my fault. Another one of those “Never should have done that” scenarios. This, along with some other particularly bad decisions I made over the last year, is what made me decide to stop drinking. Drinking wasn’t the issue per se, it was the God awful decisions I made while under the influence of alcohol. Yeah…..like thinking getting married to a man I did not love was a good idea…Hmmmmm
Still annoys the Hell out of me that the Judge denied my annulment; we were only married for 3 weeks before I filed!! Jeez. Judge literally told me that he couldn’t grant me an annulment because I decided to “grow a conscious”. Guess the State feels that if the Defendant doesn’t care that I don’t love him and that I was just using him as a vehicle to get what I thought I wanted, then all’s good and fine. Well, I don’t agree.
But now I have to go through the whole damned process again. File the Complaint, hire a Process Server, file the Affidavit, wait 20 business days for a Counterclaim that will never be filed, so I can file a Default, then get on Calendar for a date, then show up to the same Judge’s Chambers to be granted a Divorce in place of an Annulment (Judge can’t deny a divorce here :). Aaaarrrrghhhh. Sooooo totally frustrating!!! Really messed my life up with this one. Funny how things can sound so Wonderful in THEORY but be so Horrible in REALITY!!!
Now, I’m not trying to say that the individual I married is horrible; quite the contrary. He has always been kind and thoughtful towards me. In this case, I’M the horrible one. I gloss over the facts of the situation often, so as not to feel like a complete and total piece of shit, because the Truth is, I was always very honest with this man regarding my feelings, or lack of them, He knew full well when we said “I Do”, that as far as love was concerned, I Didn’t. So, I really shouldn’t feel guilty about any of it, and for the most part, I don’t, but now with all the legal crap, I have to keep thinking about it.
If I didn’t know for a fact that he had been in love with me for a couple of years, I probably wouldn’t feel as bad. But I know that he was hoping that by being the loving, caring, always available Husband, I would come to love him. That wasn’t going to happen; with all the time we spent together prior to getting married, I never even had a slight glimmer of possibility for that. All I really wanted to achieve was moving to another state with my child. Marriage to a stable individual who was established in another state, where the unemployment rates were lower and education was better, sounded like the perfect solution. Like I said, in theory it sounded good….
The Judge’s opinion that I had grown a conscious, isn’t accurate. I didn’t; I merely changed my mind. Afterall, it is a woman’s prerogative. I thought that I was making my decision with my daughter’s best interests in mind. The move would allow us to start over. We would live in a big house again, with lots of property in a neighborhood brimming with children. In a state known for their highly rated public education system, and “green” initiatives. We could do a lot of the outdoorsy stuff we had always enjoyed, but had to drive too far to really participate in. I could stay home, or work during school hours only making me available to head girl scout troops, or cheerleading squads, take her to her activities etc. What I hadn’t anticipated was the feelings I had of raising her in a loveless household. Those things scar children more than not having friends that live across the street or having to be driven to all your playdates. Plus, the move would not allow her to see her father, other siblings, or paternal relatives but on school breaks. When I brought all of this up to her, prior to the wedding, she was all aboard, but as the petition to move court date came closer, I could see she was putting on a brave face. She had agreed to move, not because she wanted to, but because she thought it would make ME happy. Love that girl to death!!! But, I couldn’t go through with the move after that. I asked the Judge on that case to vacate the petition without prejudice. then filed the annulment papers.
That’s how I wound up at the Court House today. What a tangled web we weave……